nathan exposed: the naked truth about life in the words of a gay nashville man. music, movies, tv, queer culture, politics, emotion, humor, drama, and more

Friday, July 29, 2005

"It only hurts when I breathe..."

As sung by the brave and talented Melissa Etheridge.

Today it's been one year since I found out my Grandma passed away. I was eating lunch with my co-workers in Raleigh at a restaurant, when my mother called me on my cell phone and told me that she had been found in her home by my aunt. The news was heartbreaking and shocking, as I completely lost it there in that restaurant.

I went across the street to the hotel where Rodney was working, and had him come outside. I burst into tears as he held me and I let all the pain out. We traveled to Illinois for the funeral, those were the darkest days of my life. I have never cried so much.

In the back of my mind, I always had thoughts of moving closer to the family to be there in good times and in bad. This tragic event caused me to move full force with plans to move to Nashville, 3 hours from our family. I spent the following months researching, reviewing, and planning how to go about this big move.

Obviously it was a risk. We had stable jobs and a set lifestyle there in Raleigh. Moving would mean sacrificing job security, home security, and leaving behind some great friends. But I decided we needed to be closer to our family, and Rodney eventually agreed.

1 year later, we are now here in Nashville. We have stable jobs, we have a home, it looks like we really made it. I'm just sorry we couldn't be here in your last days Grandma. But how could we ever know you would pass so suddenly?

It appeared that Grandma forgot to take some of her medication, and somehow just passed in the night. She was sitting in her chair, it happened sometime the night before. It did not appear that she was in any amount of suffering or pain.

I received an e-mail from my Dad last night and an e-mail from my aunt, who found my Grandma. It's very sad to acknowledge this anniversary. I wish we never had to die. I know that sounds child-like, but I really hate having to miss a woman I love so much.

Well Grandma, you're in our thoughts, hearts, and prayers today and every day. And the same goes for both my Grandpa's. I was too young to understand you both the way I understood Grandma, but I know you were wonderful men. I love each of you and we miss each one of you.

In closing, some lyrics from the Melissa Etheridge song "Breathe", which I used to listen to in the car and completely break-down to:

"I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you"

Posted by Nathan @ 9:34 AM | Comments (1) |

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Let's Talk About: Bush

Now that we've lived in Nashville nearly a month, I want to point out the one thing that drives me crazy every single day - Bush bumper stickers.

Aside from my obvious hatred for Bush as a homophobe, there are countless other wrongs Bush has done in office that I can't imagine these people have overlooked.

It is a "free" country (unless you're gay, in which the basic rights of marriage are segregated), so obviously these people have the right to put whatever they want on their bumper. But come on, open your eyes people.

Should I mention the fact that thousands of innocent human beings are being killed overseas every day, for no reason at all? Did we overlook the announcement that there are no weapons of mass destruction? Does anybody remember that Saddam is out of power, and therefore does not pose a threat? How about the fact that Bin Laden, who coordinated Sept. 11th anyway, is rarely ever mentioned anymore? (By the way, check out the FACTS in Fahrenheit 9/11 and you'll know why Bush will never harm the Bin Laden family).

Maybe the loss of thousands of innocent souls isn't enough to make Bush supporters question their leader. Fine. Then how about the overall actions, personality, and presence of George W. Bush? Is that not enough to turn you away?

Hmmm... I asked my Mother her feelings about Bush. My Mother is a wonderful woman, and I value her opinion. I don't always agree with it, considering she is a very conservative Catholic. Nonetheless, I do respect her. She's been on this earth much longer than I have, so perhaps she had some pearls of wisdom.

Her reason for supporting Bush was because he was Anti-Abortion. REALLY???!!! That's all? I expected so much more.

Now I'm against abortion too. I don't believe in murdering helpless babies. But I'm not going to harp on that topic because I honestly cannot stop a woman from having an abortion. No matter what a president says, it cannot be stopped.

So this one topic, which can't even really be regulated, is the reason my Mother supports Bush? Wow. Unbelievable. So is that one of the big reasons a lot of these people have Bush bumper stickers? Unbelievable!

He might not support killing American babies in their wombs, but he sure as hell supports killing thousands of innocent soldiers, civilians, men, women, and children in other countries. Open up your eyes people!

This man is being probed by all kinds of departments and groups. I am surprised he hasn't been kicked out of office yet. How can people not see what Bush is doing to this world? Not only is he ruining the United States of America, he has spread his carnage all over the world. How can one administration have that much power? If I removed the name Bush, you probably would think I was speaking about terrorists, wouldn't you?

A-HA! I've got you there. If I name all the terrible things Bush has done, you might think I'm talking about a terrorist group or psychotic leader of another country. But nope, I'm talking about none other than George W. Bush. And you've got his name all over your cars.

I know, I know... this ranting post is just one out of millions that are probably already on the web. So I'm just making my contribution, because I just can't believe how many people blindly support this monster despite all the things he has done.

And I'm sure more rants will follow.

Posted by Nathan @ 9:36 AM | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

"I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away"

That title is a lyric from the song "You Oughta Know".

Just a short note to say one of my all time favorite CD's has been re-released. Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" was profoundly inspirational to me 10 years ago, and now an acoustic version has been recorded and released in tribute. Alanis is always creative, and re-recording the album was a great way to re-visit a classic.

Posted by Nathan @ 6:57 PM | Comments (0) |

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Getting it all out - chapter 2

Day 2 of blogging, I must admit I've quite enjoyed this whole blog concept. In my first post, I said I had a big problem with it. But here's the catch -- I don't plan on publishing my real full name any time soon. That's my happy medium. I can do the blogging thing, but I don't care to put all my personal identity info out on the net.

So let me start with the sad stuff, the stuff that really hurts. Almost a year ago, my grandmother passed away. I lived on the East Coast, she and the rest of my family were in the Midwest. It was unexpected, my aunt just walked in and found her that day.

I have come very far in terms of dealing with the loss, but as I near the anniversary of it, many feelings are re-surfacing. And since it was so unexpected, I didn't have that window of opportunity that you might have if somebody was ill.

I'm skipping some parts, because mainly I want to say how much I love her, and how it's still hard to believe she is not physically here anymore. Not only was she an incredible woman, filled with love and understanding, she was also the first family member to accept me as a gay man, and showed a genuine love for my husband Rodney. It would be nice if being gay was just as easy as being heterosexual. But thanks to society and religious hypocrites, it's very hard being gay sometimes. So having her acceptance was a starting point for me.

Now that I've been out for 8 years now, I have very little need for "acceptance". I know exactly who I am and nobody can change that or take it away from me. I don't need approval to go on. But there was a time when I did need acceptance, and she provided it. Grandma always wanted me to be happy. And her acceptance helped give me strength.

Thank you so much Grandma, for everything you are. There is a lot to say about you, all of it positive. You have taught me so many lessons in life, just by being you.

Grandma was not demanding, she did not force or instill anything on me. When I say she taught me lessons, I mean she did it just by living. Her example set the tone for it all. And I try to live my life as an example too.

I quickly find that all my blog entries become very deep very quickly. On the surface, I can be so light and easy. But like I said yesterday, I'm highly emotional, and getting it all out stirs up the waters in me. I'm enjoying it though.

Well my hands are getting tired from typing, so I know it's time to wrap up. More to come, though!

Posted by Nathan @ 2:08 PM | Comments (0) |

Monday, July 25, 2005

You Don't Know...

You don't know what you mean to me.

You can't even begin to imagine how much I love you and genuinely care about you. I think about you all day. Even after 4 years, I still feel that spark for you. I still can't wait until I get off work so I can come home to you.

I'm here at lunch now, eating this delicious meal you made for us and our family yesterday. You are such a good cook. You are so many good things.

I apologize for the times when I am harsh with you. It's an ugly thing, but it is part of my nature. I feel very bad after I do it, and you'll probably never understand this, but it is actually good for me (even though it's bad for us).

I spent so many years of my life repressing my internal anger. It ate my insides, it made me sick and I felt so heavy. Now I just let it out and go on. If something irritates me, I snap, I say what I mean, and I'm over it.

Whenever I can, I will attempt to be more constructive when something bothers me. But one way or another, I have to let it out. I can't bottle it up. But I love you so much, and I don't want you to be hurt. You certainly don't deserve to suffer for my own turmoils.

Having you in my life is the greatest thing. There is no one else that I am closer to. You are my best friend, my soulmate, my companion, my partner, my husband, whatever you want to call it - you are all that and more to me. There are secret thoughts that I share with you, that I would never share with anyone else. You're the only one who deserves to know some of them, and the only one who could understand.

Thank you so much for being who and what you are. You are so beautiful to me. I love seeing you as you look back at me. I just wanted you to know, because I feel like there is so much that you don't know. And out of all you might not know, it's how much I love you.

Posted by Nathan @ 10:53 AM | Comments (2) |

Getting it all out - chapter 1

Everybody talks about blogging, it's huge right now, even in the office I work in. And I get asked a lot if I have a blog. Well I didn't, but I'm trying this out.

Why blog? I'm a tech fan, but often slow to adopt new concepts. I don't like to jump on new trends, because many disappear overnight. If something is long-term, eventually I will become involved.

So I'm supposed to talk about ME? Feels funny. I have a lot to say, a lot that I feel, but it's hard to imagine exposing it to anyone who might stumble upon it. To be honest, I have a *big problem* with creating my own blog.

I have always been an extremely private person. Very few people really know or understand me. I feel that a lot of people "enjoy" talking with me, but I only really expose the surface of who I am. So the mere thought of sharing my thoughts and feelings online, where anyone can read them, is jarring.

Therefore I may never put my real name on this. I may never share it with friends. This is my test phase.

I had so much to say, but now I'm just exhausted by my own thoughts and I don't care to get them out. I usually rehearse something dozens of times in my head before I ever announce it outloud. So you can understand why just having a conversation with someone is so tiring for me. And in the end, everyone just thinks I'm a quiet, mysterious, and very internal person. This is true most of the time. But part of it is also because I think so much that by the time I decide I want to talk about it, I don't care to share it anymore.

This isn't going anywhere, is it? Welcome to my mind. This is every day for me. But when it does come out, it is cool, calm, and collected.... or loud, explosive, and destructive...depending on the mood.

And there is another point to expose. I am HIGHLY EMOTIONAL...more than anyone could ever imagine. But other times, I am highly detached, with no concerns, feelings, or problems. I avoid telling people that I am emotional because it is very easily misunderstood as being highly sensitive. And highly sensitive leads to being labeled "weak" or "vulnerable".

I am neither weak, nor vulnerable. I stand strong on my beliefs, feelings, and opinions when it comes down to the heart of the matter. But I am emotional ...I let it all flow through me, and I try to accept it. I am also sensitive to myself, and to others. I feel a lot for people.

It's a river though. An ocean. It can lie dormant for days, weeks, months, or years. And that's another problem with this blog concept. If I talk about it, if I let it all out, who knows where it will lead? There are some emotions that I would hate to stir up. They could shake up my whole foundation if I ever allowed myself to dwell or feel some of the things that I've felt in the past.

Because I've felt a lot...let me tell you. Whew, here it comes. All these lengthy paragraphs, this is exactly what I knew would happen if I started blogging. At least upfront, it would be very long. Eventually it might be a few sentences a days, like most blogs I see.

I'm not always predictable either. I can write in the same blog for 60 days straight, at the same time each day, without fail. Then suddenly it will all change. I might lag for a month, then come back. Or I might lag forever, and never return. That's just how I am, you see. I can be the same person every day for an extended period, then something happens inside and it all changes.

Those who are really, REALLY close to me --- I always return for them. Unless I am unforgivably deceived or offended, then I am the most loyal person you'll ever know.

Okay this was actually good. I am starving for lunch, so I will go. But I'm glad I got started. We'll see where this goes.

Posted by Nathan @ 10:19 AM | Comments (0) |