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Friday, July 29, 2005

"It only hurts when I breathe..."

As sung by the brave and talented Melissa Etheridge.

Today it's been one year since I found out my Grandma passed away. I was eating lunch with my co-workers in Raleigh at a restaurant, when my mother called me on my cell phone and told me that she had been found in her home by my aunt. The news was heartbreaking and shocking, as I completely lost it there in that restaurant.

I went across the street to the hotel where Rodney was working, and had him come outside. I burst into tears as he held me and I let all the pain out. We traveled to Illinois for the funeral, those were the darkest days of my life. I have never cried so much.

In the back of my mind, I always had thoughts of moving closer to the family to be there in good times and in bad. This tragic event caused me to move full force with plans to move to Nashville, 3 hours from our family. I spent the following months researching, reviewing, and planning how to go about this big move.

Obviously it was a risk. We had stable jobs and a set lifestyle there in Raleigh. Moving would mean sacrificing job security, home security, and leaving behind some great friends. But I decided we needed to be closer to our family, and Rodney eventually agreed.

1 year later, we are now here in Nashville. We have stable jobs, we have a home, it looks like we really made it. I'm just sorry we couldn't be here in your last days Grandma. But how could we ever know you would pass so suddenly?

It appeared that Grandma forgot to take some of her medication, and somehow just passed in the night. She was sitting in her chair, it happened sometime the night before. It did not appear that she was in any amount of suffering or pain.

I received an e-mail from my Dad last night and an e-mail from my aunt, who found my Grandma. It's very sad to acknowledge this anniversary. I wish we never had to die. I know that sounds child-like, but I really hate having to miss a woman I love so much.

Well Grandma, you're in our thoughts, hearts, and prayers today and every day. And the same goes for both my Grandpa's. I was too young to understand you both the way I understood Grandma, but I know you were wonderful men. I love each of you and we miss each one of you.

In closing, some lyrics from the Melissa Etheridge song "Breathe", which I used to listen to in the car and completely break-down to:

"I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you"

Posted by Nathan @ 9:34 AM


Wow! What a wonderful post. I'm so sorry about your grandmother. At least she died peacefully. My grandmother was the only one that I felt all of my life accepted me and loved me through all of my mistakes and wild child days. You have a great blog!! Thanks for bringing this post to my attention.

Commented by Anonymous Sam, 7:44 PM  

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