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Monday, July 25, 2005

Getting it all out - chapter 1

Everybody talks about blogging, it's huge right now, even in the office I work in. And I get asked a lot if I have a blog. Well I didn't, but I'm trying this out.

Why blog? I'm a tech fan, but often slow to adopt new concepts. I don't like to jump on new trends, because many disappear overnight. If something is long-term, eventually I will become involved.

So I'm supposed to talk about ME? Feels funny. I have a lot to say, a lot that I feel, but it's hard to imagine exposing it to anyone who might stumble upon it. To be honest, I have a *big problem* with creating my own blog.

I have always been an extremely private person. Very few people really know or understand me. I feel that a lot of people "enjoy" talking with me, but I only really expose the surface of who I am. So the mere thought of sharing my thoughts and feelings online, where anyone can read them, is jarring.

Therefore I may never put my real name on this. I may never share it with friends. This is my test phase.

I had so much to say, but now I'm just exhausted by my own thoughts and I don't care to get them out. I usually rehearse something dozens of times in my head before I ever announce it outloud. So you can understand why just having a conversation with someone is so tiring for me. And in the end, everyone just thinks I'm a quiet, mysterious, and very internal person. This is true most of the time. But part of it is also because I think so much that by the time I decide I want to talk about it, I don't care to share it anymore.

This isn't going anywhere, is it? Welcome to my mind. This is every day for me. But when it does come out, it is cool, calm, and collected.... or loud, explosive, and destructive...depending on the mood.

And there is another point to expose. I am HIGHLY EMOTIONAL...more than anyone could ever imagine. But other times, I am highly detached, with no concerns, feelings, or problems. I avoid telling people that I am emotional because it is very easily misunderstood as being highly sensitive. And highly sensitive leads to being labeled "weak" or "vulnerable".

I am neither weak, nor vulnerable. I stand strong on my beliefs, feelings, and opinions when it comes down to the heart of the matter. But I am emotional ...I let it all flow through me, and I try to accept it. I am also sensitive to myself, and to others. I feel a lot for people.

It's a river though. An ocean. It can lie dormant for days, weeks, months, or years. And that's another problem with this blog concept. If I talk about it, if I let it all out, who knows where it will lead? There are some emotions that I would hate to stir up. They could shake up my whole foundation if I ever allowed myself to dwell or feel some of the things that I've felt in the past.

Because I've felt a lot...let me tell you. Whew, here it comes. All these lengthy paragraphs, this is exactly what I knew would happen if I started blogging. At least upfront, it would be very long. Eventually it might be a few sentences a days, like most blogs I see.

I'm not always predictable either. I can write in the same blog for 60 days straight, at the same time each day, without fail. Then suddenly it will all change. I might lag for a month, then come back. Or I might lag forever, and never return. That's just how I am, you see. I can be the same person every day for an extended period, then something happens inside and it all changes.

Those who are really, REALLY close to me --- I always return for them. Unless I am unforgivably deceived or offended, then I am the most loyal person you'll ever know.

Okay this was actually good. I am starving for lunch, so I will go. But I'm glad I got started. We'll see where this goes.

Posted by Nathan @ 10:19 AM


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