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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Getting it all out - chapter 2

Day 2 of blogging, I must admit I've quite enjoyed this whole blog concept. In my first post, I said I had a big problem with it. But here's the catch -- I don't plan on publishing my real full name any time soon. That's my happy medium. I can do the blogging thing, but I don't care to put all my personal identity info out on the net.

So let me start with the sad stuff, the stuff that really hurts. Almost a year ago, my grandmother passed away. I lived on the East Coast, she and the rest of my family were in the Midwest. It was unexpected, my aunt just walked in and found her that day.

I have come very far in terms of dealing with the loss, but as I near the anniversary of it, many feelings are re-surfacing. And since it was so unexpected, I didn't have that window of opportunity that you might have if somebody was ill.

I'm skipping some parts, because mainly I want to say how much I love her, and how it's still hard to believe she is not physically here anymore. Not only was she an incredible woman, filled with love and understanding, she was also the first family member to accept me as a gay man, and showed a genuine love for my husband Rodney. It would be nice if being gay was just as easy as being heterosexual. But thanks to society and religious hypocrites, it's very hard being gay sometimes. So having her acceptance was a starting point for me.

Now that I've been out for 8 years now, I have very little need for "acceptance". I know exactly who I am and nobody can change that or take it away from me. I don't need approval to go on. But there was a time when I did need acceptance, and she provided it. Grandma always wanted me to be happy. And her acceptance helped give me strength.

Thank you so much Grandma, for everything you are. There is a lot to say about you, all of it positive. You have taught me so many lessons in life, just by being you.

Grandma was not demanding, she did not force or instill anything on me. When I say she taught me lessons, I mean she did it just by living. Her example set the tone for it all. And I try to live my life as an example too.

I quickly find that all my blog entries become very deep very quickly. On the surface, I can be so light and easy. But like I said yesterday, I'm highly emotional, and getting it all out stirs up the waters in me. I'm enjoying it though.

Well my hands are getting tired from typing, so I know it's time to wrap up. More to come, though!

Posted by Nathan @ 2:08 PM


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