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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

"I'm feeling good"

I really have a habit of starting out posts with song titles. I guess it helps summarize what I feel. "Feeling Good" is a song by Michael Buble. I love that song, it makes me feel empowered. I listened to it a lot on the way to work. Rodney likes it too. And we also like his song "Home", though it is heart wrenching because it reminds us of Grandma.

But I am feeling pretty good. I've fallen off the wagon, just as I said I would. I didn't post anything here yesterday, after posting every day last week. And I didn't post over the weekend, but I probably never will so I'm not counting that.

This past weekend was filled with a high amount of drama (there's usually always some amount in my life). But I'm optimistic. Things almost always work out in my life, one way or another. Which leads me to this new goal I have, though I have no idea if I will act on it.

In another news, I've thrown around the idea, and wonder about writing a book about my life, focused on the "coming out" years. Most gay people have a story about coming out. And I know heteros would probably just roll your eyes and say 'what's the big deal?" I can see why it's hard to understand, but really it's an amazing thing to come out. There is so much deeply embedded hate and tension in this world about being gay. When you take that bold step and say "I am not afraid to be me", there is so much courage and strength required.

And many stories have gone unheard. I do feel like a survivor, I feel like I've made it through a lot of rough stuff and turned out to be a very strong and successful person. I want to share my story with others, in hopes it would inspire at least one gay person. Because when I was going through it all, I needed somebody to tell me his story. (Ellen Degeneres was my somebody, by the way. She gave me inspiration when she came out in 1997.)

When I look at my blog, I see rambling pages full of untamed emotion and thoughts. It isn't very organized, but it's hard to organize the heart and mind. So it's okay.

But it would be nice to get my story out, revise and re-organize it in a book format, and try to get it published. We'll see. The bottom line of the book would be "I am undefeated". The people who hurt me and tried to bring me down in the past...they have not kept me from living my life. And I want them to see it. And I want others to know they can come out on top too.

If there was a theme song for the book, it would undoubtedly be "Feeling Good".

Posted by Nathan @ 7:08 AM


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